Gwyneth Paltrow certainly got tongues wagging with her way of handling, and looking at, the dissolution of her marriage to Chris Martin. Perhaps in the future couples will say that they are uncoupling rather than divorcing. The more enlightened ones might even say that they’re undergoing a “conscious uncoupling” as Ms. Paltrow said. With people living longer than ever, and our world advancing at an unprecedented pace, marriage might one day not be expected to last forever. This is merely an exploration of what might be and not said to offend those who still believe that couples should mate for life.
No matter what you choose to call it, if you married legally and no longer want the relationship, it all boils down to divorcing, albeit if done consciously, it will be without fighting, without “punishing” your soon-to-be-ex by manipulating community funds, or taking all the money out of mutual accounts, without using the kids to fight battles, without bashing your spouse to anyone who will listen.
You could say that conscious uncoupling is a collaborative divorce, albeit one on steroids, since the premise behind conscious uncoupling includes nurturing the spiritual aspect of divorce.
If you think about it, divorce involves moving forward and changing for both parties, for the children too, even. Moving forward in life and changing is essentially personal growth. Furthermore, personal growth and spirituality go hand in hand. When you make personal growth a priority in your life, you become spiritual; when you make spirituality a priority, in time you grow into your best self.
The best way to keep a divorce civil, to remain conscious during the split, is to divorce in a non-combative, collaborative way.
What’s the best way to do so?
Resign yourself to biting your tongue a lot throughout the process, for one. In other words, commit to remaining civil with your spouse at all times. During negotiations over how to split the bills and any money you both have a right to, commit to not blurting out what he or she did that might have brought on the divorce, such as cheating, or not helping carry the load, or allowing the kids to eat Cheetos for breakfast in front of the T.V. It has nothing to do with property and debt division. Same with going off about money in the middle of a conversation to decide physical custody and visitation.
Be open-minded when discussing physical custody and visitation with the children. That other person is still their parent, just like you. Also, arrangements about the children that work for John and Mary may not be the best thing for your family. Think. What’s right for your particular situation? Don’t just mimic what other people are doing. Both parents should spend a few days going over in their own mind how it might best be handled and then, if not able to share it with each other in person because you fear you’ll fight about it, do it by email until you can come up with a plan that works best for the children to continue thriving between your two households. Be careful and conscious before you click Send.
Do the same when deciding how you’ll split property and debts and any retirement accounts.
Lastly, agree to disagree civilly on the things there is no way you’ll ever agree on—these things are most likely the reasons for your divorce. People do keep growing as individuals and sometimes, unfortunately, you grow at a different rate, or in a different direction from your spouse. If you aim to be a conscious, spiritual person, or just someone who wants the best for your children, someone who wants to respect the love you once had for the person you are now divorcing, you will aim for a conscious uncoupling.
If you feel you might have difficulty negotiating directly with your spouse, especially if you have children and property to divide, you might consider a mediation session with a qualified divorce mediator, many of whom are family law attorneys. A divorce with terms arrived at with the help of a licensed, professional mediator is known as a Collaborative Divorce, or Mediated Divorce. We explain this in detail here.
In a large majority of divorce mediation cases that come through our office, just an hour or two resolves all issues. Besides feeling good about your conscious uncoupling, the glicken is that you stand to save thousands of dollars in attorney fees.
Author: Attorney James E. Smith — http://nevadadivorce.org/about_nevada_divorce.htm